Final Countdown: TWO, ONE

For some reason I was completely exhausted yesterday.  I slept OK the night before and luckily the girls were on their best behavior after Tuesday night, but I was still drained.  Woke up early and made buttermilk waffles for breakfast - totally hit the spot.  Then I took Hazel to school and Ginger to Peewees, and found myself with 2 hours to spend.  I went to the mall.  It was rainy and I just felt like walking and window shopping.  Got Ed some socks at Macy's, got the girls a few things at a good sale at H&M (hello, $17.95 pants for $5, awesome.)  And the best part - stopped at one of those kiosks and had my eyebrows threaded.  So even though I look and feel like a whale, now I look and feel like a MOVIE STAR whale.  It's a subtle but important difference.

On the way to the mall I passed The State Theatre in Falls Church and saw on the marquis that Cowboy Junkies are doing a show tomorrow night.  Of all the horrible timing!  They are one of my favorite bands - my first real "grown-up" band I started liking as a teenager.  And the theater is so close!  That is something I would actually pay a babysitter to go to, and it's on the one night I definitely can't go.  Major bummer. 

Yesterday afternoon after putting Ginger down for her nap I thought I was going to collapse so I laid down on my bed and immediately fell asleep for two hours.  Fabulous, but I woke up just as tired as I'd been before.  Got the girls a snack, started dinner, did some dishes.  Ate dinner, cleaned up dinner, did more dishes.  Gave the girls a bath, put them to bed.  Ed got home late so we talked while he ate, then I dinked around a bit, arranging some baby things, reading a little, then fell into a light and restless sleep all night.  Did I mention I'm tired?

This morning some friends took the girls to a park for a Peewee Earth Day field trip while I went to the hospital for my pre-op screening, which consisted of a little paperwork and a blood draw.  Then I picked up a sandwich at Subway and met them at the park. 

I remember in the weeks before Ginger was born, I felt a little resentment towards her.  I was so bonded and focused on Hazel I felt like a new baby was going to mess up what we had, get in the way of our little life.  It's easy to resent someone you've never met.  Obviously, I got over that fast and now of course Hazel and I both prefer having Ginger to not.  This time I don't feel resentment towards the baby, but I am feeling a little sentimental about my time with the girls, trying to make the most of it, and focusing on them before my attention gets further refracted.  So while I could have taken advantage of that hour or so I had free after my appointment, by running an errand or having alone time, I missed the girls and wanted to be with them at the park.

We enjoyed a typical Ginger meltdown/nap resistance when we got home, then moved on to do some work.  Packed the girls' "Grandma bags."  Pulled some stuff together for my own bag.  Tried to stay calm, not think too hard, not work too hard.  It's a lot of pressure to have such an awaited event loom large.  Completely surreal, so I'm trying to act as normal as possible.  Later I'll finish packing my bag, maybe lightly review some of my newborn-care books. 

Tonight we plan to have a special Family Home Evening.  We'll retell each of the girls' birth stories (only the good parts.)  We'll read some stories (we like We Have a Baby and What Baby Needs.)  We'll tell the girls the baby's name and talk about what the next few days will be like.  Finally, we'll have Ed give me a blessing.  Crossing fingers it will be a nice evening and not the exercise in frustration FHE sometimes is.

Honestly, I am desperately trying to squelch my nervousness by keeping perspective.  I'm only going a few miles away and only for a few days.  Ed will be with me.  I'll have lots of help in the hospital.  It is somewhat bitter consolation, though consolation nonetheless, that it is guaranteed to be a better experience than I had in Brooklyn with Ginger.  Things will be fine.  I can't believe it's tomorrow.