Not the Spice Girls

Don't call my kids the Spice Girls. It does two things: 1- it annoys me, and 2- it betrays your ignorance. Neither of which we want. Neither of which are good for society.

First of all, if you have done this, don't take it personally. You are not the only one and there have been so many instances I have not remembered individual ones. This is a rant. If you think I liked you before, I probably still do.

It's not the association that bothers me - I love my ZIG-uh-ZIG-aah as much as the rest of you. And, hello, red hair, always a plus. It's the inaccuracy of the thing. If you would take a minute to consider their names - Hazel, Ginger, Poppy - there is really only one spice in that list. Do you know which one it is? Did you know that one in three does not a pattern make?

In the past, when someone has made reference to my girls as spices, I have either responded with a weak but polite noncommittal smile or, depending on who it is and/or my mood, a withering look. But my new approach, and my favorite so far, is to look confused, like I have never heard that before and can't understand why they are saying it. Works great because then they have to explain it, and in so doing, stumble on their own folly. While I stand there smiling.

Let us consider:

Hazel - A nut-bearing tree and/or the nut of said tree. Also a golden-brown-green eye color. Witch-hazel is also a flowering plant used medicinally. Not a spice. Not even close. I had a friend in high school who had it as a middle name after her grandmother - Emily Hazel Miller - and ever since I saw that, I had it pegged for my first daughter. Always my favorite girl's name.

Ginger - A rhizome (horizontal underground stem from which roots sprout), which when dried and ground up, is yes, considered a spice. Ding, ding, ding! Related to turmeric and cardamom. Delicious (I have lots of good recipes...)! Also a reddish-brown color. And a person with red hair, fair skin and freckles - not the coloring she turned out to have, but it was a possibility. We chose this name for its non-trendiness, the ever-elegant Ginger Rogers, my sister Maren's goldfish, and we liked how it sounded with our chosen middle name, Litz, Ed's maternal grandmother's maiden name.

Poppy - A colorful flower, traditionally red but can also be purple, yellow and other colors. One species, the opium poppy, is used to make opium, opiates, poppy seeds and poppy seed oil for culinary purposes. I was at a baby shower when I was pregnant and told someone the name we had chosen. "Poppy?!" she seemed shocked. "Wow, she'll be popular in high school." I had to think why. Is it because of the opium thing? It seemed a far stretch - do high schoolers even know where their pharmaceuticals come from, much less does it destine my daughter to be stereotyped based on her name? I thought the woman was ridiculous. When we visited England in 2009 we noticed Poppy was a popular name there. And it's a lovely flower. We just liked it.

So for a stretch, I admit an unintentional botanic, or possibly chromatic, thread. But not a theme. And definitely not spices. Don't make me say it again.

And then there are those who offer witty unsolicited suggestions for "the next one." If, in some mythical fairytale world, I were to have another, they say to name her Rosemary! Sage! Cinnamon! And for a boy, Tarragon! Chives! Coriander! Seriously? For my only boy? Besides the fact that I hate all those names, why would I limit myself to such a narrow selection? Naming is the best part of having kids; I'm not self-imposing parameters based on other people's ignorance. (My one concession - if we had had boy-girl twins, "Hazel and Basil" might have been irresistible.)

You say I brought this on myself? Maybe. But I'm not going to name my kids Isabella, Sophia and Emma just because people don't use their brains.

So I'm gonna tell you what I want, what I really really want: just call them the Hickmans.

Slight Name Panic

As is to be expected, I'm having minor second thoughts on the baby name. We'll probably still go with it, but I've felt the need to go back to old lists and revisit my options. This is really important. I want to get it just right.

A good place to start was to find a Top Names of 2009 List and make sure none of my choices were on it. Those lists usually have all the names you'd expect. But I was really surprised by some of the ones I saw this time. I expected boy names Oliver, Owen, Jack and Jacob to be on the list, but so were Rhys, Miles, Brody and Gage, while the all-time classic John is at 100 - almost off the list! And on the girl list, I did expect Sophia, Olivia, Alexis and Lily but was definitely thrown off by Harper, Cadence, Isla and Scarlet. I'm impressed with the direction naming is going! Which makes it all the more crucial we choose carefully.

I browsed another site that led me to user lists, kind of like Listmania! for baby names. Anyone can make a list of names that fit any description, and others can browse them. It was unnerving, and at the same time little affirming, to find two of my names on a short list entitled "Fun but Unrealistic." This tells me that at least to this person, the names are awesome but she doesn't have the nerve to use them. Right up my alley. It reminded me of when we were expecting Ginger. I shared our name list with a close friend and she said something like, "Well, I mean, if you named her Ginger she could never be a CEO or a great scientist or something like that." Which is complete bull because as soon as someone has a name, the name begins to suit them and not the other way around. I don't know anyone who has been actually and truly held back in life because of their name. And that's just another reason why we don't tell people our names before the baby's born.

Can we really have a post about baby-name-freaking without at least a reference to the Nicholas Cage SNL skit that is probably older than I realize? The quality is horrible but it's all I could find on YouTube. Still good for a laugh after all these years. Anyone else ever been part of a conversation like this?


In other browsing, I found a couple of fun lists that helped me kind of take my mind off things. First we have the Girls' Name Coolator, which allows you to take a girl name you might like and bring it up-to-date, make it a little cooler. For example, for some reason you like the name Joan. To make it cooler you go with June. Need it cooler than cool? Juno. Fun idea.

Also we have a list of Boys' Names Kids Consider Cool. Don't we all want our kids to feel as cool as we think they are? Can't hurt if he has a name others envy. My personal favs on that list? Orion, Shane, Taj and Zeus. Easy to say since I'm not having a boy.

I recently attended a baby shower and was told about another name website, Nymbler, which has a cool approach. You type in up to six names you like and it generates more suggestions, kind of like, "If you like Hazel, then you might like..." I typed in Hazel, Ginger, and a few others we've considered in the past. I admit, I didn't care for many of the suggestions, but I'm picky. It might work well for other people.

Finally, I found a site awhile ago that I can't seem to find again but I will keep looking. It allows you to look up names and it provides the typical stuff like origin, meaning, etc. Then it says, "If this is your name, click here." And it takes you to a survey to fill out. Then people - potential parents like myself - can go in and look at the survey results. It asks things like, "Is this name often misspelled? Mispronounced? Hard to say in other languages? Was it made fun of a lot? Did you like having this name?" And the question we all want the answer to - "What were the schoolyard nicknames people called you?" As parents we can try to guess but you can never think of everything. I've found reading these survey results one of the most enlightening and helpful tools in the naming process. I'll try to find it again.

Right, then. Enough babbling on. This post has been therapeutic and I'm feeling better about things. Back to regular life...

Spanky Bum Bum and Naming Guidelines

We've chosen a name for the baby. Well, it's like 90% sure. Of course it's a sealed vault so don't ask and don't try to guess, you'll never get it. And no, it's not Martha Bertha.

In the meantime she is being called Spanky Bum Bum. Superfly wasn't sticking, and Ginger suggested one day in the car that we name her Spanky Bum Bum and then erupted into heart-melting belly giggles. And frankly so did I.

We told Hazel when she came home from school and she got the giggles as well. Then when Ed came home from work the girls tried to tell him but got laughing too hard to get it out, so I told him and then we all had a good giggle. I need to try to record Ginger saying it because it's so so cute. And hey, if Spanky sticks a little after she's born, I don't mind. Everyone needs a nickname.

But back to real names. I don't have strict requirements for names - in the end it's more of a feeling. But I don't go throwing a dart at the baby name book either. We've got our guidelines:

1. It has to be a real name, or something that can be a name. It has to be something people have heard of, not a made-up word is what I'm saying. I'm not giving my kid a life of double takes - "What? What did you say your name was? Matroishkalina???"

2. It has to be spelled the way it sounds. Why oh why burden your child with a life of alternate spellings? Like a girl I knew in high school - Kyndness. You know she has to spell it for people EVERY TIME. So do I, but there are a lot of common spellings for Kari/Kerry/Carrie. Luckily mine is only 4 letters so I don't mind too much. But if it's a name or word people know, spell it the way people know, which is why we do not have Hazyl and Jinjir in our family.

3. It has to be UNCOMMON (but not unheard of.) I would like them to have names that other kids their age don't have, like all the poor Jennifers, Amys and Carries in my generation. If I truly felt clueless as to what currently popular names are (hello, Olivia, Sophia), I can always check the social security website, which tells the top 1000 boys and girls names of each year, or Name Voyager, which maps names by usage and year. Ranking high at least 50 years ago, or never, is a good indication I might like to use it.

4. No prefixes or suffixes. Sorry, Hazel. That means "Swanita" is out.

5. This is a loose guideline, but two syllables are good. Just enough to get your point across, to make it sound unique enough as you yell it across the playground so your kid knows you're talking to her, and yet not too long. Not a mouthful. Not a pain to write out.

6. Obviously, it has to sound good with the last name. For example, I like the name Ida, plus it is a family name, but "Ida Hickman" makes it sound a little too much like it's going to be "Idaho", so it doesn't work for me. Less important, but still to be considered, is how it sounds with the other names in the family. "Kari, Ed, Hazel, Ginger and Victoria Elizabeth" might not be the right direction for us.

7. I'm not necessarily against all kids starting with the same letter, or having the same ending, or following some kind of theme, as long as those are all your favorite names anyway. But sticking to a plan just to stick to it (Jason, Janelle, Jana, Jordan, etc.) when there are so many other great names out there is unacceptable to me. I get the spice comment sometimes - "Wow, all your names are spices - next you should use Cinnamon or Sage!" Never mind the blatant ignorance that Hazel has nothing to do with a spice (lamo), but I'm not going to be tied down either way to a perceived pattern. If Cinnamon was my very favorite name I'd use it but if my favorite is Glenda then that's it.

8. No naming her one thing but calling her by her middle name. That's advice from my brother-in-law who is in that situation. He said it's just confusing when people read your name and you have to correct them and tell them what you go by - "Robert?" "No, actually it's Quinn." "Oh." Name the kid what you're going to call her, then give her a middle name that is the name you're NOT going to call her. Duh.

9. It has to be fun to say, because I am going to be saying it 500 times a day until she is 18 years old. It has to have staying power so I'm not kicking myself in two years, and like I said before, not a mouthful please.

10. Not a big fan of the could-be-a-girl-or-a-boy names. You hate to look at a written name and not know if it's a girl or a boy. I was shocked as a young girl to meet a boy named Cary, though that's less common as a boy name these days. But there are a handful of either-way names and I just figure anything to avoid confusion or explanations down the road is best.

I think that's pretty much it. The main thing is, it has to be a real name but currently out of circulation - unfortunately I used Hazel on the upswing (it was #517 when she was born and is now up to #343) but it couldn't be helped. I'd had that name chosen since I was 16. The others have come along more recently but they've all been fun. And I feel pretty satisfied.

So I'm curious - what are your naming guidelines?